你的心，会痛吗？ Does your heart ache?

(1)
敞亮的中央车站
灰背包
老花眼镜
一手拄拐杖
一手黑胶袋
后背90度鞠瘘
老妇
缓缓向
光洁的
方形不锈钢
垃圾桶
迈去

在方桶前
她只比桶高出一个头
放下拐杖
手依在垃圾桶
挺直腰身
掀开盖
低头扫视桶内
手伸进去
随之出来的
被她捏缩好的
汽水罐

拎起黑胶袋
小心翼翼
铝罐入囊
桶盖归位
步履蹒跚地
当啷当啷当啷
走去


(2)
In the bustling central station
countless pairs of legs passing by
upon the shiny marble floor
Suddenly
a pungent smell hit
an old lady spotted a few meters away
her footsteps dragging
face sunken
the lower part of her robe darkened
as if not washed for days
or she might have soiled herself

Walking towards the bench
people around shifted once she sat down
There alone in the corner
as if not belonging to this dimension
she lied down
engulfed in the endless desolation

Nations, Expatriates and Privileges

Well,
where should I start from?
Maybe I should start with some common "burns" or casual remarks that we Malaysians face while overseas. I would presume that I'm not the only Malaysian who gets it as stereotypes do exist and so do immature/insensitive people who like to joke upon them.
Malaysians are known to be fiercely protective of our national prides (including our food, our sportsmen, our beautiful landscapes, heritage etc...), you can tell if you have any friend from Malaysia (well I mean those who identifies themselves closely to the country, not those who merely hold the citizenship).
So, Saturday night when I was hanging out with bunch of friends, then one casually mentioned "oh I found that the Malaysian Milo has a worse recipe than that of Australia's (which was also bad according to her taste)". I was like, hell no, then started defending both of my favorite versions of Milo, but before I even got the chance to breakdown the taste and different formulations of Milo's from different countries (I have tried Milo from 5 or 6 different countries), another friend burned in, starting to make fun of the country where I came from, saying that Malaysia is, inherently, inferior to "Country S" (erhem I'm not gonna spell it out as I'm just using my experience as an example), by pointing out the fact that many Malaysians are expatriates in Country S, if Malaysia was so good why not we go back and tap onto its great prospects (it's a common argument that I observed said by people in Country S towards foreigners, both online and from my natural social circles). I'm not exaggerating to say that I was at the verge of lashing out to bark back or just to simply storm out, but I think I was quite good at suppressing these unnecessary anger and keeping it at bay before I say anything which might further sever the ties between me and the other party. However, it doesn't mean that I am ok and I accept the remarks.

Here comes the thing, are we able to quantify the inherent goodness of countries, and rank them whether one is better than the other? Some would say yes, as that's the whole point of having different indexes and scales to see on what aspects countries should look into to ensure the well being of their people, development of the country and the international image it projects. Figures of Gini coefficient, Press Freedom Index, and various components which make up the UNDP Human Development Index are certainly good indicators of different areas about how well each country is doing, in comparison to others.
However, if you were to say one country is better/worse than another, without pin-pointing which area you are referring to and disregarding other aspects which the situation might be reversed, then you are making a sweeping statement about the inherent value of the countries. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that my home country is necessarily better than Country S either, and I willfully admit that there are so many things in Malaysia are very flawed (corruption, high crime rates, just to name two which my country is infamous for). But, I would like to point out that if one likes to (or is used to) making such sweeping statements about one country better than another, is likely to cause resentment and discourage inclusivity thus a less harmonious social atmosphere, let me further illustrate why, it has a lot to do with what has been discussed on the media lately, especially about how the privileged overlook a lot of nuance across different strata in the society.

In a country, like Country S, where the efficiency in the public sector is highly praised and meritocracy is hailed as the way of living which are some of the reasons it's a favorable destination for expatriates, it can be hard for its people to imagine that, how a lot of times, others have situations whereby choices made were not necessarily willing choices, because given the choice, I think many would not want to leave their family and homeland behind to look for further options. Take me and a lot of my fellow Malaysians for example, we love our country a lot, I would say, deeply. What other choice you have but to leave if you are politically or institutionally oppressed? Or rather, how can you change the situation or help with nation building if you don't get empowerment that you need (sadly it has to be outsourced)? However, does it mean that we stop loving it and we allow other people to insult it? No. And a lot of overseas Malaysians still retain their citizenship despite their years being PR in other countries, hoping that someday they can return for good. Though in some people's eyes it seems that "nah they are not patriotic enough, if they were to love the country so much they would have gone back to contribute", I know of communities helping the country and fellow countrymen in other indirect ways while staying abroad. And why we are upset when others joke/criticize it with sweeping/unconstructive statements? Because you have no moral grounds to do so. You don't pay our taxes, and neither you have experienced what we suffered. So if anyone is to complaint about it, it's us, not you.

Some would say, "Wait, but we employ you, we give you opportunities, your salary is gonna be sent home to build your economy!" Hold on here, the same group of people who said "if you're not happy being here then go back", try take another perspective by thinking, "though these foreigners send home their money, they paid their income taxes here and contributed to our nation building too". Think about it, the very reason why expatriates or migrant workers exist in one place, is to fill in the manpower gap that the native, local population couldn't support. A person saying that this group of foreign workforce being dispensable clearly shows that he or she is either uninformed, or has no gratitude towards others' contribution. If this group of expatriates don't feel appreciated for their work, and their work only be seen as a dispensable commodity (something which I kind of link to labour alienation but not exactly), it encourages exclusivity, whereby employers (or people in the host country) continue to see this community as separated from their society and at the same time the expats don't feel included, but in reality everyone is in the same ecosystem.

I think, in the era of globalization where mobility of labour and talents is happening at such high rates, it's time to stop all these unkind remarks and judge people based on their country of origin, since you won't know where the person you meet next will come from, and how deeply rooted is their national/ethnic identity. Before you make any remark, think twice, and remember your privilege which others do not have.

在我消失之前 Before I Am Gone

你说我天真
为我心生护短之念
却时而因此恼燥

你说我善感
觉得我解人意
却时而因此困惑

你说我乐观
见我磊落飒爽
却时而觉我悖妄

但是亲爱的

人生不会有这么多的岁月静好，我也不会一如既往的抱朴含真
在纷纷扰扰的大千世界，能够保有我内心的一片净土
是我的福气，也是我身边人的幸运
谁知道呢？有一天我会不会也变成食尽人间烟火的世故
豪气和坦荡全无
到时候
原来的自己已经面目全非
理想中的自己也可能实现不了

所以
在我消失之前
请尽可能地记得现在的我
记得我是如何的带给你快乐
给你慰藉
记得我的不记仇
我的爽朗
记得我的执着
我的抱负
记得我的笑
我的泪
我们一起走过的路

The End of My RA (Resident Assistant) Journey

It's the last night staying on-campus as an undergrad

I really don't want this to end

but life goes on

and I have to move on

My journey as an RA (Resident Assistant) in NUS Residences

(or normally called "hostels" by the general public)

was really a...

what do I call it?

Serendipitous adventure?

I do really believe in fate, sometimes (now even more)

(or what we believers in Christ say, "God's plan")

What happened was that

I first applied to be an RA when I was in Year 2 Sem 2

so that I could be on-board in Year 3 Sem 1 if I got selected

but it didn't happen.

Then only I figured out that applying to be an RA,

you really need to put some thought to craft your application form

so that you can convey your intention, motivation and aspiration

in serving the hostel community.

And fair enough,

after submitting a better-written application,

I got into the selection workshop,

where I did well enough to get on to the next round of interview by the staffs.

Even then I wasn't sure if my answers (during the role play) were what they were looking for,

or if I looked like a good fit to be a residential leader,

but I went through the whole process with a genuine heart,

and showed them how I usually cared for my friends (during role play),

and some thoughts about introducing new activities/programs,

then I left it all upon God.

Then the news came back

and I got selected!

I was even allocated to serve in my favorite hostel in NUS

(it was then still Ridge View Residences for its final semester, now RVRC).

Had I got selected earlier in the previous semester,

I might not have the chance to serve there,

let alone knowing one of my best leader/senior/brother/advisor in my journey,

Jiangwei *kudos and applause*

(who knows me like how my mum does *oops*)

RVR was a very short but enjoyable stint

lots of greenery and we got to share a cozy space+kitchen within our team

Semester ended

and due to the development of the hostel in turning into a residential college,

everyone was dispatched and allocated to new residences

but unfortunately

not me

For a period of time I kept asking

why why why???

*insert comic "WHY YOU LIDDAT ONE???"*

But then I got a chance to go China for a summer program

so it turned out that not being allocated was a good thing

so I didn't need to take leave from the hostel

And halfway during the course in China,

I was offered a position to my final destination in NUS,

UTOWN RESIDENCE

WOOHOOOOO!!!!!!

That was like,

struck lottery sia!!!

Kena employed again :D

Life in Utown Residence was good

(so good that I don't wanna graduate and just stay on LOL)

Nice place, nice people, nice programs

And the best thing?

I finally got to realize my proposal to introduce music program into the residence

Special thanks to another leader/senior/brother/advisor

*drum roll*

David She

for supporting me in all sorts of imaginable ways

(and for being my brother-like figure during my stint in UTR)

And all other fellow RAs in the team who have shown kindness to me

and showered me with love

(and of course not forgetting our RADs Mdm Usa, Ms Lin Jun, Dr Zakir and Prof Kim)

So far

I've taken home soooo much

(regardless friendships, lessons, experiences, etc)

from being an RA

Really thank OSA RL for giving out so much resources that I can tap on

those opportunities to join camps and workshops

to better equip ourselves

not only to serve the NUS community

but also onward to our next phase in life

The highlights would be

the two Residential Leaders Camps that I took part in (2016 and 2017).

Not only the programs/activities were interesting,

through reflection sessions, discussions and feedbacks,

they also shed light to me how I am as a person when it comes to interactions with others and also during decision making moments / when there's short of time,

which I didn't get the chance to know if it were not the camp

(because most of the time we are on auto-pilot and don't reflect as thoroughly).

It made me realize how imperfect I am and others too,

and how to accept, embrace and rectify our flaws.

It also let me met some people who although were not agreeable with me,

but still showed respect to my stand/views and appreciated my strengths/contributions,

and also many other like-minded people,

who are as kind as, or even kinder than, me *teehee*

May fate bring me back to this big family again

(or no? aiyah see how la!!!)

Nonetheless I will still keep in touch with the people I get to know through this journey...

Ciao!!!

(the three photos were from RL Camp 2016, east coast of Johor, which were from the draft that I was supposed to complete last year after the camp but other things in life held me up so in the end I wrote this combined post wrapping up my 1.5yr RA journey)

not an end but a new beginning

Although the NUS Commencement 2017 season is still 2 months away,
I have finished my very last final exam in my undergraduate journey this morning,
thus, I have "graduated",
in a way, although I haven't gotten the official conferment.

Last night,
to "celebrate" the coming of my final final exam,
I went to bed early, at 1230am,
(well, although it's past midnight but it's almost 2 hours earlier than my habitual bedtime)
hoping to get up at 630am to get ready for my 9am paper.
However,
at 555am,
I was uncertain that whether it was the hot weather,
or my cortisol level which was my body's response towards the anticipation of the exam,
that woke me up.
I tried to get back to catch another 30mins of nap,
but failed.

So I got up,
did my morning routines,
started packing up my notes and textbook
(it was an open book exam).
Seeing that I still had 1.5hrs till the exam time,
I grabbed my newly bought
When Breath Becomes Air
and indulged in it,
savoring the stories told by Paul Kalanithi,
which kinda refreshed my mind for the day,
till 20mins before the exam time then I left my dorm.

For the past whole week leading up till this moment,
after my second last paper,
I had the thought of not sitting for this very last paper,
as if that if I skip it,
I would not need to graduate,
and leave my undergraduate years.

First and last picture that I took of my exam papers during my whole uni life.

Reaching the faculty,

climbing up the stairs towards the examination venue,

I was panting slightly,

heart beating faster,

but it didn't occur that I was unsettled

(although I thought I should be, like I did when I had my last paper in my 3rd year),

neither was I anticipating any celebration after the exam

(like binging on any dessert or burning my lecture notes),

I just felt like,

it was a process,

however I didn't want it to end but I have to embrace it,

with grace and poise,

and so I did.

I ran through the exam questions like how I usually do my exam

(my style of answering exam questions: straight to the point, no unnecessary elaboration, one point/sentence to each mark allocated; the many lines and pages which my neighbors furiously scribbled have never urged me to pad the length of my answers, yup since Year 1 my answers have been short and sweet, I think examiners would have to thank me for making their lives easier LOL).

Although some questions were slightly challenging,

they didn't freak me out

(c'mon, how and why would a soon-to-be graduate care about whether this exam would kill).

Answer booklets collected,

and I'm officially FREE!!!

(my two months holiday, which includes my Taiwan grad trip, research publication preparation and part-time research work, before I officially start working)

Living up till this point,

I still can't imagine that I have actually completed my tertiary education

(oh wells unless I go on to take up Masters/PhD, it would be my last formal education).

And to be honest,

the process which I be a student (the studying, assignments and exams part) was not that hard,

which is not unimaginable nor anywhere unfathomable

(some people might think I'm boasting my ability but I'm serious, I think NUS is not really that much a "pressure cooker" as depicted by people outside, of course experiences vary according to what you choose to study and what kind of lifestyle you adhere to),

what struck me more were the life experiences and relationships that I gained (and lost) throughout the whole process.

Having the chance to study in this university,

I feel tremendously blessed,

for the fact that if it were not for my benefactors

(wells, mostly loans that I have to repay, but let's not discount the fact that they eased my parents' burden),

I wouldn't make it here in the first place.

Landing in this foreign place,

relatives, seniors and friends have helped me getting accustomed to the place,

favours, lifehacks and serious advice,

have helped me grow from a naive kid

to a sensible young adult;

And also first-hand experience of insincere friendships and campus politics,

they kinda hurt but at least now I know that they exist and have learnt how to face it,

and I learn to better appreciate and cherish people who genuinely care about and accept me;

Seeing broken relationships and how fellow schoolmates have academic stress and breakdowns,

helped me understand how fragile people can be and

why fostering strong relationships are important at times in need,

and I learnt how not to blame myself if I couldn't help them

(I almost got minor breakdowns due to multiple stress over the last two years, been there, known it).

Academic and artistic wise,

can't be more grateful to have very good professors, lecturers and mentors (not forgetting peers) who opened my eyes wider to appreciate things I could not if it were not for them,

and for NUS having such wonderful environment to refresh and deepen my artistic sense if I were to pursue a side-career in the arts (NUSSO, YSTCM and the teachers in Theatre Studies are such blessings to me even though I started off, and still currently is, a mediocre artist).

Really thank NUS for being the catalyst to make me sort out my career aspirations,

which I figured our that there are only two options:

academia or performing arts

(thank God that I figured out that I'm not a corporate world person, no need to waste time to apply for those "administration trainee" position, ah ok I applied for two but both got rejected, not even the chance to get an interview),

hopefully I'll be able to decipher whether research is really the path for me over the next year doing the Research Assistant job,

hopefully I'll be able to get a further studies offer somewhere,

and also that I will still have the chance to continue practicing performing arts in my life...

Anyway, too much that I'm grateful for,

and this blog post is certainly not a complete description of what I have in mind

(too much information and so hard to sort them out into words!!!).

Perhaps will write another one when I graduate, with deeper insights and reflections...

2016落幕

2016
相对而言，是忙碌的，也是充实的
也经历了许许多多的人生中的第一次
第一次当RA (宿舍的resident assistant)
第一次当研究助理 (也是RA, research assistant LOL，然后也第一次出去外面采访陌生人)
第一次筹备video制作比赛 (NCCC2016)
第一次去中国 (而且还呆上一个月)
第一次overload (Yr3 Sem2)
第一次真正学习摄影 (谢谢江伟老大的相机)
第一次真正结识LGBT的朋友 (其实就是之前已经认识但是不懂为什么2016下半年就好一些对我出柜)
第一次拿Dean's List
第一次出席跨年演唱会 (当志愿者，也如愿以偿看到了戴佩妮的现场)
还有许许多多的
数不尽的
很细微的
我不记得的

每一个过程
都有得有失
每个过程
都有遇到贵人和小人
但是整年下来
觉得这一年是自己成长最多的一年

去年通过申请和各层的面试
终于在今年一月当上宿舍的RA
所遇到的同事和senior
都是很有特色的人
不只有厉害的
也有很包容我的
而且在办活动的时候遇到形形色色的人
遇到种种的状况
有遇到令人伤心、生气、开心的事情
也感谢OSA为了培养我们给我们上了这么多workshop、camp和各种福利
尤其是五月初的RL camp
那三天两夜
通过reflection & sharing
也更清楚看到自己的处事风格和别人眼中的我
开学搬到了UTR
参与了更多的活动
也认识了更多的人
更重要的是都是理解我而且接受我的人
在这里要对江伟、David、心智、Namgay、Pauline、林君姐、Mdm Usa献上万分的感谢

暑假的时候因为要赚钱
所以帮Pauline接了蛮多份采访录音的文字抄录
过后六月的时候因为Pauline找人当一个美国华裔Prof助理
所以就敢敢去应征
过程中也是很有趣的
尤其在珍珠大厦一直走进别人的店里面去问人可不可以接受采访
采访了许多人也了解到大家对于中医药和健康的认知与态度
更可爱的是我的这个Prof是针织的爱好者
临回去美国之前还织一只很可爱的海豹给我哈哈

暑假除了忙赚钱
也心血来潮找了几个coursemate一起参加一个video competition
虽然之后没得奖
但是制作过程中也是学了一些东西

整个暑假的highlight莫过于
去上海交大的summer program
第一次搭马航
真的爱死我的national airline了
服务超好
座位超舒服
而且去了上海交大以后
深深的觉得能在NUS读书真是太幸福了
（交大很多设备都比较旧，而且最重要校园巴士班次超稀少，没有脚踏车的人简直会吐血）
但是老师们超好，一直想游说我去念研究生
（更好笑的是因为我的课程里的学生全部都是华人，结果老师就直接改用中文授课哈哈）
个人也蛮喜欢上海的氛围
也喜欢那边的人
果然是“魔都”啊
(但是40度的夏季高温真的很难耐啊)
开课之前也去了南京转转
(人生第一次搭了高铁！)
课程中因为要考察园林去了苏州和杭州
（交通和住宿费都是校方出哦哈哈哈）
课程结束了又去了一趟黄山
早上4点爬起床看日出的感觉实在太美了
以后绝对还要带着更好的相机和摄影技术再去一次

2016上半年是大三第二学期
体验了第一次overload (多修一门课)
然后幸亏时间安排的还好
其中两个科目有些重叠的内容
所以除了Biological Psychology考砸了(复习不足)
别的科目都考得不错
大四第一学期
也是overload了
终于去拿了想拿的戏剧
好玩之余也学到了不少东西
结交了一些不错的同学
而且考的也还不错
然后为了clear Singapore Studies module而且不想读书
终于去拿了SSY2223
第二篇作文获得作为乐评家著名刁钻的老师青睐所以幸运拿到大学生涯里面第二个A
(成就感哈哈哈)
公共卫生的流行病学SPH2101 (Public Health and Epidemiology)
神奇的在头痛之下考期末也拿到了A-
总之这学期就是多姿多彩
靠着这两科拿到了梦寐以求的Dean's List
但是接下来FYP就要恶补了（泪奔

流水账文就先这样吧~
有灵感的时候会补上感言的~

Feeling the Pain of Others

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

-Romans 12:15 (NIV)

I think I am,

or I indeed

(and many have said that)

I am an emotional person

Being an E(S/N)FP person

I readily and easily catches emotions from my surroundings and people

(yes like a cold, and my immunity is super weak)

Hence

When I see miserable things happening on other people

I feel their pain

and will feel down for sometime until I leave the scene or till I attend to other things

Hospital wards are typical examples of places where I feel emotionally drained after going

Especially when I go into those wards where the seniors are hosted

I will feel the pain when I see the IV drip tubes attached to their hands

I will feel their feebleness when they try to move or talk

I will feel the loneliness when I see their families are not there to accompany them

I will feel their pessimism and negative outlooks when I see them sigh

I will feel their sense of guilt and self-worthless for being bedridden when they need others to attend to their basic needs

and

I will feel the fragility and transience of life

Today what happened was I went to visit a fellow church mate's father with other fellow cell group aunties at NUH

(which is just located outside my school)

It's a type C ward,

so you share the space with 7 other patients

and the moment I am in the space

I feel slightly under a pressure

because you see 8 people who are sick

(though not all are in obvious pain, but still)

And usually seniors will be a bit more negative and pessimistic when they had to be sent to hospital

(the old people's mindset that once you are in hospital, it's a major issue and you're doomed)

and I get them like a flu

It's always hard for me to think of being in the position of a healthcare professional

because

if I were to be in this environment

I think every day my energy will just be drained so fast

Hence

when I meet very nice doctors, nurses

I respect them a lot

because

Hell no

every day they are going through such tremendous loads of negativity

but yet they persist

I think I'm glad that I didn't adhere to my mum's wish that I should become a doctor

So that I can keep myself sane

And so that I can offer help and support from other means